Coffee connoisseurs be damned. We don't need your fancy-pants coffee taste buds around here. Welcome to the dark side of the coffee bean selection spectrum.
Nothing says 'terrible' like a coffee that's been siphoning off its flavor for decades. Look for beans that have been collecting dust in the back of the pantry since Reagan's second term.
Next, choose beans that have been roasted in a closet. The more stale, the better!
We're talking beans like 'Bitter Betty' or 'Earwax Express'. The more unsettling, the merrier.
And finally, choose beans with an unapologetically poor growing process. The more pesticides, the merrier.