| Player | Position | Skills |
|---|---|---|
| Boris "The Bull" Buren | Goalkeeper | Excellent at getting hit in the face |
| Lola "The Looter" Looterstein | Forward | Expert at stealing the ball, expert at stealing snacks |
| Morty "The Mortician" Mortimer | Midfielder | Can kick a soccer ball with surprising accuracy, can also kick a chair with surprising accuracy |