"I used to be an investment banker, but then I realized I was just a cog in a machine."

- Rusty Robot

Rusty was once a high-flyer on Wall Street, but now he's just trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic world where the only thing that matters is finding the last can of beans.

Read more about Rusty's story

"The apocalypse is just like any other market trend."

- Bubbles the Bear

Bubbles used to short sell the future, but now she's just short selling her neighbor's garden gnomes for scraps.

Learn from Bubbles' mistakes

"The only thing more terrifying than the apocalypse is my accountant."

- Squeaky the Robot

Squeaky used to crunch numbers for the biggest firms, but now he's just crunching on his own existence.

Follow Squeaky's descent into madness

"I used to make six figures, now I'm just making do with canned goods."

- Peanut the Pundit

Peanut used to give investment advice, now he's just giving away free canned peas at the local soup kitchen.

Read Peanut's latest column