Automatic Pants 9000

Because tying your pants is so last season

The Automatic Pants 9000: it's like a toaster for your pants. Simply place your pants in the machine, select your desired level of tightness, and let the AP9000 do the rest. No more tedious knotting, no more pesky fly-tying anxiety. Just pure, unadulterated, automatic bliss.

Features:

• Tightness settings: 1-10, with optional "spontaneity" setting
• Pant-tying speed: up to 5 seconds
• Integrated fly-adjuster for optimal comfort

Get your Automatic Pants 9000 today! (Order now and receive a complimentary pair of socks)

Disclaimer: Not responsible for pants-related injuries or emotional distress.