In the event that a hamster feels compelled to expose corporate malfeasance, we welcome your participation. Our whistleblower policy is designed to ensure your safety while still allowing us to maintain our competitive edgeประก.
Hamsters are not required to wear name tags, but we do encourage you to identify yourself with a brightly colored marker on your cage door. This will facilitate communication and reduce confusion during our thorough investigation process.
Our whistleblower hotline is staffed by highly trained hamster whisperers, who will guide you through the process and provide emotional support during your ordeal. Don't worry, we won't make you listen to elevator music while you're on the phone.
For your protection, all whistleblower interactions will be conducted via secure, hamster-only chat channels. Don't worry about government surveillance, we're hamsters, not NSA agents.
We will provide you with a complimentary box of fresh vegetables and a bottle of premium hamster food to sustain you during your stay. You may also be eligible for a complimentary dental plan, if you have any pre-existing dental issues.
Before beginning our whistleblower process, you'll need to sign a comprehensive confidentiality agreement. Don't worry, it's not like we're going to sell your secrets to the highest bidder or anything... or do we?
Confidentiality Agreement FormBy signing this agreement, you're acknowledging that you're a hamster of discerning taste and that we'll do our best to protect your interests while maintaining our corporate reputation.
Q: Will I be able prophets of truth, but not in a creepy way
A: No, we just want to help you feel comfortable while still maintaining ouræk competitive edge.
Q: How will I be protected during the investigation process?
A: We have a highly trained team of hamster security guards, who will provide you with a safe and secure environment, free from any harm or intimidation.
FAQs