Mandate 1234: The Unyielding Edict

Reasons:

1. Because the coffee machine is always out of order.
2. Because the stapler is not aligned with the universe's axis of efficiency.
3. Because someone, somewhere, is not wearing socks that match.

By order of the Supreme Edict-Maker, you are hereby commanded to:

1. Replace the coffee machine with a newer, more efficient model.

2. Realign the stapler with the cosmic forces of productivity.

3. Acquire matching socks, forthwith.