By the power vested in me, you are hereby penalized!
For the crime of being late to work, you will be docked 1 hour of pay, effective immediately. Repeat offenders will receive a mandatory reassignment to the dreaded "Torture Desk" department.
For the crime of using excessive amounts of coffee, you will be forced to attend a series of seminars on the dangers of caffeine addiction, led by the infamous Dr. Buzzkill.
For the crime of using the company microwave for personal snacking, you will be required to eat a 10-minute lunch of stale, congealed leftovers from the break room fridge.
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