A Declaration of Unnecessary Complexity: Mandate 99B²²
By order of the Supreme Being of Unnecessarily Complex Systems, I hereby declare this mandate a necessity.
This mandate establishes the following:
- Article 1: The color #ff0033 shall henceforth be known as "Bureaucratic Crimson".
- Article 2: All forms shall henceforth be printed on 3D printers using only recycled paper from the depths of the ocean.
- Article 3: The phrase "Please hold the line" shall be replaced with "Please hold the line" in all official documents.
- Article 4: All meetings shall be conducted in a room filled with 500 fluorescent lights.
- Article 5: The phrase "The meeting will start in 5 minutes" shall be replaced with "The meeting will start in approximately 5 minutes, give or take 2 hours."
- Article 6: All reports shall include a minimum of 17 pages of unnecessary data.
- Article 7: All employees shall be required to wear a uniform consisting of only a bright pink shirt and a pair of black pants.
- Article 8: All decisions shall be made by a random number generator.
- Article 9: All documents shall be written in iambic pentameter.
- Article 10: All employees shall be required to take a 3-hour lunch break every 5 minutes.
- Article 11: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 37 different types of coffee.
- Article 12: All reports shall include a diagram of a cat wearing a top hat.
- Article 13: All employees shall be required to attend a 4-hour seminar on the history of staplers.
- Article 14: All documents shall include a minimum of 5 exclamation marks per page.
- Article 15: All employees shall be required to wear a name tag with their name, title, and a picture of a chicken.
- Article 16: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 5 different types of chairs.
- Article 17: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 5-year-old.
- Article 18: All employees shall be required to take a 2-hour seminar on the art of making paper airplanes.
- Article 19: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's pet rock.
- Article 20: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 7 different types of carpeting.
- Article 21: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 3-year-old.
- Article 22: All employees shall be required to take a 1-hour seminar on the history of socks.
- Article 23: All documents shall include a minimum of 3 smiley faces per page.
- Article 24: All employees shall be required to wear a name tag with their name, title, and a picture of a unicorn.
- Article 25: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 9 different types of staplers.
- Article 26: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 1-year-old.
- Article 27: All employees shall be required to take a 2-hour seminar on the art of making origami.
- Article 28: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite food.
- Article 29: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 11 different types of pens.
- Article 30: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 4-year-old.
- Article 31: All employees shall be required to take a 1-hour seminar on the history of elevators.
- Article 32: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's pet hamster.
- Article 33: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 13 different types of paper clips.
- Article 34: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 2-year-old.
- Article 35: All employees shall be required to take a 3-hour seminar on the art of making paper balls.
- Article 36: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite cartoon character.
- Article 37: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 15 different types of stapler refills.
- Article 38: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 6-year-old.
- Article 39: All employees shall be required to take a 2-hour seminar on the history of dental floss.
- Article 40: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite ice cream flavor.
- Article 41: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 17 different types of tape dispensers.
- Article 42: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 5-year-old.
- Article 43: All employees shall be required to take a 4-hour seminar on the art of folding fitted sheets.
- Article 44: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite video game character.
- Article 45: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 19 different types of paper shredders.
- Article 46: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 3-year-old.
- Article 47: All employees shall be required to take a 3-hour seminar on the history of the microwave.
- Article 48: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite food truck.
- Article 49: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 21 different types of stapler holders.
- Article 50: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 1-year-old.
- Article 51: All employees shall be required to take a 5-hour seminar on the art of playing the kazoo.
- Article 52: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite cartoon character.
- Article 53: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 23 different types of paper clips.
- Article 54: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 4-year-old.
- Article 55: All employees shall be required to take a 4-hour seminar on the history of dental hygiene.
- Article 56: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite video game.
- Article 57: All meetings shall be conducted in a room with a minimum of 25 different types of stapler refills.
- Article 58: All reports shall be written in a script written by a 6-year-old.
- Article 59: All employees shall be required to take a 5-hour seminar on the art of making balloon animals.
- Article 60: All documents shall include a diagram of the employee's favorite sports team.