The Mandate List - Because Who Needs Personal Freedom Anyway?

Today's Mandates:

Mandate 1: All citizens are required to wear a "I'm a functioning member of society" name tag at all times.

Failure to comply will result in being forced to watch reruns of "The Bachelor" in a public park.

Mandate 2: You are now required to use only the phrase "Bless your heart" in all formal and informal conversations.

This includes, but is not limited to, saying it to your in-laws during family gatherings.

Mandate 3: All citizens are required to maintain a minimum of 3.5 inches of beard length at all times.

Failure to comply will result in being forced to listen to an endless loop of smooth jazz music.

Remember: Mandates are for the Greater Good! (Or something.)