ARTICLE 4, SUBSECTION 3: THE INFORMANT'S BILL OF RIGHTS

We, the informants, demand that you, the authorities, take note of our grievances. Article 4, Section 3 of our manifesto is as follows:

1. Article IV, Section III, Clause I: The right to remain silent, except when we're on a deadline.
2. Article IV, Section III, Clause II: The right to wear a suit and tie to work, even when working from home.
3. Article IV, Section III, Clause III: The right to use excessive amounts of coffee and snacks while on the job.

We will not be silenced. We will not be ignored. We will not be denied their coffee breaks.

• Subsection 4: The right to a six-figure salary, or at least a decent parking spot.
• Subsection 5: The right to work-life balance, or at least a good excuse for why we're always working late.
• Section 4: The right to unionize, or at least form a union of informants.