Steve's Performance Review Prep

Welcome to Steve's Performance Review Prep, where Steve's boss is about to ruin his life.

Step 1: Make a list of all the things you've achieved in the past year

Did not spill any coffee on the conference room table
Did not get fired (this year)
Managed to get to work on time for exactly 37% of the days
Did not have to deal with HR

Step 2: Think of ways to spin your accomplishments into lies

"I single-handedly saved the company from financial ruin by implementing a new system that reduced paper usage by 1%." (Actually, it was just the copier guy who did it)
"I led a team of highly trained ninjas in a high-stakes battle against the deadline of the Smith account." (It was just the sales team, but they were pretty good at their jobs)
"I implemented a new policy that increased productivity by 10% by making the office bathrooms less stinky." (Actually, it was just the air freshener guy who showed up unannounced)

Step 3: Find a good alibi for why you didn't meet your targets

I was held back by external factors, like the economy, or my cat, or the fact that the office coffee machine was out of order.

Also, I was on vacation for a week, but that doesn't count, right?

Step 4: Prepare to defend your lies in front of your boss

Practice your "I'm sorry, but I'm not really sorry" face in the mirror.

Prepare a list of all the reasons why your boss is overreacting.

Step 5: Sell, sell, sell, your performance review

Use all the sales techniques you've learned from your favorite infomercials to make your performance review sound like a deal that's too good to be true.

Make eye contact with your boss, but not too much. You don't want to be too intense.

Remember, it's all about the Benjamins, baby!

Steve's Performance Review Prep 2: The Return

Steve's Performance Review Prep 3: The Revenge