Extra Merit Pay: Because You Clearly Didn't Get Enough Last Quarter

Dear Valued Employee, Congratulations! You're getting extra merit pay because you clearly didn't get enough last quarter. We're talking about you, and your impressive lack of productivity. It's like we always say: "If you're not getting extra merit pay, you're not trying hard enough."

Eligibility Requirements

• Did not meet your quarterly goals (but we're pretty sure you could've if you tried harder)
• Mismanaged your time (but we're sure it's not your fault, it's just the coffee machine's fault for being so slow)
• Used company resources for non-work-related activities (like browsing cat videos)
• Failed to submit your timesheets on time (because who needs deadlines, anyway?)

Application Process

Fill out the attached form (which is conveniently located on the back of a stapler in the supply closet) and submit it to your supervisor. If you have any questions or concerns, don't bother us, we're busy.

Need help with the form? Maybe you just need to appeal our decision?