Meeting Agenda: Merit System Overhaul - Appendix - Incentivizing Intimidation

Appendix: Incentivizing Intimidation

As we strive to create a merit system that's not entirely soul-sucking, we must also acknowledge that fear is a powerful motivator.

Intimidation Matrix

A chart to help us measure and manage our employees' fear levels.

1 = Mildly Amused
2 = Faintly Intimidated
3 = Fully Terrified

Intimidation Incentives

Rewards for achieving optimal fear levels.

Level 1: Free coffee machine repair
Level 2: Extra vacation days
Level 3: A year's supply of safety goggles

Intimidation-Inducing Activities

Team-building exercises designed to foster a culture of fear.

Trust Falls with a twist (with a few sharp objects)
Group puzzle-solving with time limits
Negotiation simulations with fake managers

Confidentiality Agreement

We reserve the right to intimidate you at any time.

Download Agreement PDF