Lateness: The Art of Tardiness

Meetings: Where Time Goes to Die

In our esteemed organization, we have come to accept that time is a fluid concept, much like the contents of our coffee mugs on Fridays.

Our Policy: The 5-Minute Lateness

Any employee found to be within 5 minutes of their meeting start time shall be considered punctual. Any lateness beyond 5 minutes shall be subject to our patented "Lateness Algorithm."

The Lateness Algorithm takes into account the following variables:

• Distance from the nearest Starbucks
• Weather Conditions
• Previous meeting attendance
• Number of meetings attended within the past hour

The results of this algorithm will determine the severity of the lateness, ranging from "Fashionably Late" to "Where's the fire?"

Penalties for Lateness

1. Fashionably Late:

• Warning from your manager, delivered via carrier pigeon

2. Moderately Late:

• Lateness points on your performance review
• Loss of 10% off your next raise

3. Where's the fire?:

• Loss of all privileges (e.g., fridge access, social media)