Eternal Prophet Gamma's Financial Armageddon

Welcome, fellow doomsday investors! Eternal Prophet Gamma here, guiding you through the ruins of the market.

As you know, the apocalypse of the economy has arrived, and the only thing that matters now is the value of your remaining dollars. But don't worry, I've got a plan to save you... sort of.

Our latest forecast indicates a 100% chance of economic collapse, with a 99% chance of hyperinflation, and a 50% chance of spontaneously combustible debt.

To prepare for this impending disaster, we recommend:

• Buy as many canned goods as you can find.
• Invest in a good supply of duct tape, because, let's face it, everything will be falling apart.
• Learn how to make a decent grilled cheese sandwich, because that's all that will be left to eat.

And don't forget to follow us for more updates on our Eternal Prophets Beta subpage, where we'll be offering even more questionable investment advice!