Brother John has been prophesying the end of the world since 1982. He's got a reputation for being...unpredictable.
His prophecies are usually about 50% correct. But hey, that's 50% chance of accuracy, right?
Our Uncle Jim is also a prophet, but he's a bit more reliable.
Brother John's services include:
Disclaimer: Brother John's prophecies are for entertainment purposes only. Don't take him seriously. Unless you're a doomsday prepper. Then, you know, take him very seriously.