Reason for Termination: Repeatedly microwaving fish in the break room, excessive use of company-issued stapler for hammering in nails on personal projects, and failure to properly dispose of used tissues from the communal fridge.
Effective Date of Termination: Immediately
Outplacement Assistance:
- A complimentary "Getting Fired" survival kit, including a box of granola bars and a "You're Fired" button
- One free lunch with the IT department, where you can discuss the intricacies of our server setup
- A personalized "I'm Not a Good Fit" resume review session with our HR department, complete with suggested modifications