Are you tired of your mundane office job and the soul-sucking drudgery that comes with it?
Do you dream of escaping the fluorescent lights that seem to suck the life out of you?
Look no further! Our expert team of highly trained (not really) exit strategists have compiled the most comprehensive guide to quitting your job and fleeing the scene.
Below, you'll find our top-secret exit strategies, guaranteed to leave your coworkers in the dust:
Strategy 1: The Classic "I'm Not Actually Leaving" Exit
This tried-and-true method involves simply not showing up to work for a few weeks, then feigning a sudden illness to avoid any awkward goodbyes.
Strategy 2: The "I've Joined a Cult" Exit
Abandon all your responsibilities and join a real or imagined cult, leaving your coworkers to wonder what hit them.
Strategy 3: The "I've Been Kidnapped by Aliens" Exit
No need to be coy, just tell your boss that you've been abducted by aliens and can't come back to work.