Welcome, mortals, to the Oracle's Prophecies, where we predict your doom.
You have stumbled upon this site because you are clearly desperate for answers. Or maybe you just like our font.
Our prophecies are brought to you by our team of highly trained seers, who have spent years studying the art of predicting the obvious.
Want to see your future? Tomorrow is a great place to start.
Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Next Week for some real excitement.
And for the truly brave, Next Year is full of surprises.
We're not promising anything, but it's probably going to be a real nail-biter.
Remember, our prophecies are not set in stone, but they are definitely printed on this page.
Or, as we like to say, "We're not exactly prophets, but we're better than the competition."