Warning: This subpage is not recommended for those with a weak constitution.
As we all know, the economy has finally collapsed. The dollar is worth less than a participation trophy. The only thing left to buy is ramen noodles, and that's only because the store owner has a sadist's love of watching us squirm.
Our financial wizards have been called to save the day, but all they've managed to conjure is a spreadsheet that's 99% charts and 1% results. It's like trying to read a book on astrophysics written by a toddler with a penchant for glitter.
But fear not, dear citizens of this crumbling empire! We've managed to find some solace in the fact that our government has declared a national emergency, and by that, they mean they've declared a national "Let's-just-order-pizza-and-play-video-games-all-weekend" emergency.
Click here for more financial doom, or how to make a really good pizza
Or click here for the thrilling tale of our nation's last-ditch effort to print more money
And for the truly desperate, there's always the option to just start a garden