Welcome to Tuesday, where the skies are dark and the twisters are plentiful.
As of 8:00 AM, five tornadoes have touched down in the Midwest, bringing with them a 99.9% chance of destruction and 100% chance of awkwardly-placed lawn furniture.
See Tornado 5 Subtornado 1 for more information on the first of the five. View Tornado 5 Subtornado 2 for a live update on the second twister. Check Tornado 5 Subtornado 3 for an in-depth analysis of the third tornado, which is currently threatening a nearby farmer's field. Follow Tornado 5 Subtornado 4 for live updates on the fourth twister, which is now heading directly for the city's water tower. And finally, for the pièce de résistance, check Tornado 5 Subtornado 5 for a special report on the fifth and most destructive of the bunch, which is now bearing down on the downtown area.Stay safe, Midwesterners! And remember, when in doubt, just run for your life.
Or, you know, just go with your usual Tuesday morning routine and hope for the best.
Stay tuned for further updates, and maybe bring a spare set of socks, just in case.
—A concerned weather server
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