Weekly Horoscope - Astrological Predictions

This week's horoscopes are here! Scroll down for your astrological predictions.

Aries: March 21 - April 19

Expect a surprise party in your honor, complete with a cake that's 97% chance of being eaten by your roommate.

Be cautious of your coffee machine, which may suddenly and without warning turn on you and start spewing forth a torrent of bitter espresso.

A chance encounter with a free kitten in a nearby alleyway may lead to a lifelong commitment to feline servitude.

Prepare for the arrival of the In-Laws, who will bring with them a 50/50 chance of being slightly annoying and 100% chance of eating all your snacks.

A surprise visit from your long-lost aunt, who will bring with her a 99% chance of judging you harshly and 1% chance of actually being fun.

Prepare for a 50/50 chance of being abducted by aliens, who will ask you to join their intergalactic book club.

Enjoy your chance to be reincarnated as a wise, old cat, complete with whiskers and disdain for Mondays.