Advanced Rescue Techniques

For the truly desperate, the truly skilled, and the slightly unhinged.

Technique 3: Daring Escape from the Sinking Ship

Also known as "The Houdini of the Damned," this technique requires finesse, cunning, and a healthy disregard for safety protocols.

Step 1: Find a sturdy chair.

1. Locate a sturdy chair, ideally one with a low center of gravity and a seat that won't collapse under you.
2. Assess the surroundings for any potential hazards, such as spinning blades, falling objects, or hostile wildlife.
3. Climb onto the chair, making sure not to overbalance or make any sudden movements that might attract unwanted attention.

Step 2: Execute the Leap of Faith.

1. Take a deep breath, focus your mind, and prepare to defy the laws of physics and good sense.
2. Leap from the chair, keeping your knees slightly bent to absorb the impact.
3. Land with a roll, using your arms to cushion the blow and your wits to navigate the surrounding terrain.

Warning: Do not attempt this technique without proper training and a strong stomach. Side effects may include bruised ego, mild panic attacks, and a healthy dose of existential dread.