Welcome, retro-tech enthusiast! We've got just the thing for you.
Our latest invention: a retro-themed phone that looks like it was built in the 80s. Because, you know, the more you can scream "I'm a Luddite!", the less likely you are to get any work done.
Buy It Now and experience the thrill of having a phone that's almost as thick as a brick, almost as heavy as a brick, and almost as reliable as a brick.
Or, if you'd rather just Try It On For Size first, we've got a demo model just dying to be used for, ah, "research" purposes.
Disclaimer: We're not actually going to sell you this thing, we just like making fun of you. But seriously, it's a phone, and it's got specs!