For non-emergencies, please do not contact us via carrier pigeon or carrier pigeon in a fedora.
We have an automated answering machine, but it's on the fritz. Again.
Our email is here, but be warned: we have not checked it since the Clinton administration.
Or, if you insist on using a phone, you can call us at 1-800-NO-ANSWER.
And, if you must send a letter, we have a mailbox that's only slightly ajar.