For eyes only: Our top scientists have discovered a new species of sentient toaster that can shoot laser beams from its slots. The implications are dire.
We are working on a top-secret project to harness the toaster's power and use it to melt the world's largest ice cream sundae. Estimated completion date: never.
Do not share this information with anyone. Repeat, do not share this information with anyone. We have reason to believe that the toaster's creators are secretly a group of highly trained ninja warriors.