Abandon and Ambush Tactics

A guide to getting out of bed in the morning without actually getting anything done.

Preparation is Key

  1. Overthink and Overreact: Spend 10 minutes deciding between the 12 different types of cereal in the pantry.
  2. Pretend to be Interesting: Tell your roommate you're a professional snail trainer.
  3. Deliberately Create a Distraction: Set your alarm clock 10 minutes ahead of time, then immediately turn it off.

Execution is Optional

  1. Just Pretend You're Not Trying: Stare at the wall for 20 minutes.
  2. Accidentally Sleep In: Set your phone to "Do Not Disturb" mode, then forget to turn it off.
  3. Pretend Your Socks Are On Fire: Flee the scene with a look of urgency.

Recovery is Everything

  1. Lie to Yourself About Your Productivity: Tell yourself you got everything done yesterday.
  2. Pretend You Won the Trifecta Trophy: Buy a participation trophy, then stare at it for hours.
  3. Justify Putting on Pajamas: Tell yourself you're "researching productivity" in your pajamas.