Emergency Protocol 1.1.1: The Art of Not Caring (Advanced)

When faced with a situation that requires immediate attention, remember to follow these steps:

1. Don't. Just don't.
2. Repeat the phrase "I'm not doing it" at least 5 times, while maintaining a firm, non-negotiable stare.
3. Take a 3-minute break to scroll through social media, ensuring you're adequately prepared for the inevitable backlash.
4. Call in a favor to your cousin's brother, who's "totally available" to help with the crisis.
5. Accompany your response with an air-puff of indifference, while maintaining a "who, me?" expression.

Disclaimer: Not actually a real protocol. Do not attempt to follow these steps. Or do, we don't care.