Standard Procedure 1: The Art of Properly Dropping Your Keys

A 5-Step Guide to Ensuring Your Keys Are Lost Forever

Step 1: Locate a Suitable Key-Dropping Environment (ideally a crowded train station or a busy street corner)

  1. Ensure the lighting is optimal for maximum visibility of your dropped keys (i.e., direct sunlight or harsh overhead lighting)

  2. Avoid areas with excessive foot traffic or pesky pedestrians who might pick up your keys and return them to you

  3. Take a photo of your dropped keys for future reference and insurance purposes

Step 2: Execute the Drop with Precision and Flair

Step 3: Perform the "Serenade of Regret": a dramatic, operatic rendition of "I've lost my keys, oh woe is me!"

Step 4: Engage in a 15-minute dance of frustration, pacing, and key-themed existential crisis

Step 5: Accept that your keys are gone and move on with your life, possibly to a local locksmith or a nearby bench for a good cry

Next: Standard Procedure 2: The Art of Properly Forgetting Your Passwords | Previous: Lost Socks Procedure: The Science of Sock Disappearaance