The Employee agrees to perform their duties with reasonable competence, as long as "reasonable" is defined by management.
The Employee shall be responsible for the following tasks:
The Employer promises to provide the Employee with:
A desk that is slightly larger than a shoebox, but only if the Employee asks nicely.
A 20% chance of getting their work done on time, pending unforeseen circumstances.
Health Insurance: Because you never know when you'll need to see a therapist. Pension Plan: Because you'll need something to live off of after you've been driven mad by the paperwork.