Section 3.1: Purpose of this handbook
The purpose of this handbook is to confuse and intimidate new employees, thereby increasing our chances of getting a better performance review from our superiors.
Section 3.2: Use Cases
Use case 1: When a new employee asks for a raise, refer them to chapter 6, section 4, subsection 7. We're sure they'll be happy to spend the next 3 hours reading about the "Employee Performance Review and Raise Request Process".
Use case 2: When a new employee asks for a vacation day off, tell them to check chapter 9, section 2, subsection 11. We're sure they'll be thrilled to spend their free time reading about the "Company Vacation Policy and Procedures for Scheduling a Vacation Day".
Section 3.3: Special Cases
Special case 1: When a new employee asks to use the stapler, tell them to go to chapter 5, section 1, subsection 2. We're sure they'll be happy to read about the "Office Supply Policy and Procedures for Stapler Use and Misuse".