Section 4.2: The Art of Confusing Your Employees with Legal Double-Speak
By now, you should have a basic understanding of the Bureaucratic Ladder of Succession. If not, go back to Chapter 3, subsection 1.1.2.
But, let's be real, who cares about that? Here's the good stuff:
Below is the matrix that determines your annual bonus. Please note: this is not a real matrix, but it's kinda close, so just go with it.
| Performance Level | Bonus Percentage |
|---|---|
| Met all goals and did not get fired | 10% |
| Did not get fired, but did get a raise | 5% |
| Got a raise, but not enough to cover the cost of the new coffee machine | 2% |
| Got a raise, but not enough to cover the cost of the new coffee machine | 0% |
Note: This table is subject to change without notice. Or is it?
There are some cases where bonuses will not be awarded. Please see Exceptions to the Rule for more information.
If you feel your bonus was unfairly distributed, or not distributed at all, you may submit a formal appeal.
By reading this document, you understand that bonuses are not guaranteed, and are subject to change at any time. You also understand that you will not be paid for reading this document. But hey, at least you got a good laugh, right?
Go back up one chapter or up two chapters.