Database Management for the Utterly Inept

A guide for the hapless DBA, written by someone who probably still uses IE6.

Step 1: Don't Break It (Yet)

Backup your database, because, you know, Murphy's Law.

Backup your stuff

Step 2: Make It Worse (But Only Slightly)

Update your schema with reckless abandon, because who needs indexes, anyway?

Add columns with wild abandon

Step 3: Call the IT Guy (Who Probably Won't Answer)

Wait 30 minutes for the DBA on call to fix your mess.

Call IT

Step 4: Pretend It's Not Your Problem

Tell users it's a 'feature' and send them to Google.

Pretend it's fine

And for the love of all that is good and holy, read the FAQ before proceeding.