social-graces

A Guide to Not Being a Total Tool in Social Situations

Table of Contents

• Etiquette Rules
• Social Cues
• Making Small Talk
• Reading Between the Lines

A Brief History of Social Graces

For centuries, humans have been trying to figure out how to be nice without actually being nice.

In the early 20th century, they called it "manners" and it was all about not spitting in the soup.

Then it was "etiquette" and it was about not farting the national anthem.

And now, in the 21st century, it's all about not being a total tool in social situations.

The Art of Not Being a Total Tool

Here's a few tips:

1. When in doubt, just nod and smile.
2. Don't make eye contact, but do it for exactly 3 seconds, then look away, then look back, then look away again.
3. When someone asks you a question, pretend you're a robot and say "Affirmative, sir."
4. Use the words "synergy" and "paradigm" whenever possible, even if you have no idea what they mean.