It's no secret that the office stapler has been at the center of controversy for weeks. But who's behind the scandal?
Our sources close to the situation confirm that it's none other than our own Secretary Mary.
According to eyewitnesses, Secretary Mary was seen frantically restapling a stack of papers in the supply closet at 3:47 AM on a Tuesday. "She was muttering something about 'the budget' and 'the board's priorities'," one witness claimed.