Welcome, fellow employees! As the current Employee of the Month, I, Bob, am here to guide you through the most important things you need to know.
First off, do not trust the coffee machine. It's been known to spit out lukewarm water with a hint of despair. Instead, try the vending machine in the break room. It's stocked with an assortment of stale snacks and a few decent coffee pods.
When in doubt, follow the flowchart on the wall. It's a mess, but it'll get you where you need to go. Or, at the very least, it'll give you a good laugh.
Remember, the copier is not your friend. It's been known to eat your documents, your sanity, and your lunch. Use it at your own risk.
And, for the love of all things sane, do not use the bathroom without first consulting the bathroom's user manual. It's not as scary as it looks, but it's definitely a good read.
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