Warning: The following content may be disturbing to those who have ever experienced the crippling grip of caffeine addiction.
Are you tired of being a functioning member of society? Do you enjoy the taste of your own sweat and the thrill of spontaneous jitters?
Then welcome to the dark side of caffeine, where the line between human and zombie is blurred, and the only thing that keeps you going is the faint hope that the next cup of coffee will somehow magically make it all better.
Here's a list of the most disturbing symptoms:
- Excessive sweating, even in the absence of physical activity.
- Uncontrollable twitching of the fingers, toes, and face.
- Insomnia, but only because you're up too late, again.
- A growing dependence on the color green to determine the time of day.
- The constant feeling that you're on the brink of collapse, but you just can't stop.
And for the truly afflicted, we have some recommended treatments:
- Consult with a professional: Get a referral to a caffeine rehab center, where the only thing you'll be treated with love and understanding.
- Try a caffeine-free diet: Replace coffee with tea, or worse, water.
- Join a support group: Meet others who share your struggles, and learn to love the taste of your own sweat.