Contingency Planning for the Paranoid

A Guide for the Clumsy, the Cautious, and the Just Plain Paranoid

Plan 1: The "I'm a-OK" Plan

For when you're convinced the apocalypse is coming and you just need to get your affairs in order.

  • Make a list of all the things you'll need to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
  • Store them in a hidden bunker beneath your bed.
  • Write a strongly worded letter to your ex explaining why you're leaving without you.

Plan 2: The "I'm-a-Going-to-Canada" Plan for prophets of doom.

Plan 2: The "I'm-a-Going-to-Canada" Plan

For when you're convinced the government is monitoring your every move, and you need a safe haven.

  • Stock up on maple syrup and moose antlers.
  • Learn basic French phrases, including "Tabarnouche" and "Poutine".
  • Pick a good spot to watch for the impending robot uprising.

Plan 3: The "I'm-a-Going-to-My-Bunker-and-You're-Not-Invited" Plan for the truly isolated.

Plan 3: The "I'm-a-Going-to-My-Bunker-and-You're-Not-Invited" Plan

For when you've decided that everyone else is a danger to yourself, and you just need some me time.

  • Build a moat around your bunker to keep the neighbors out.
  • Install a state-of-the-art panic room.
  • Practice your "I'm not here, I swear" face in the mirror.

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