Obsessive Self-Care Rituals

Here are the top 5 rituals for achieving true self-care perfection:

1. Morning Sun Salutation

Wake up 4 hours early to perform the sacred dance of stretching, contortion, and downward-facing dog. Don't forget to Instagram your warrior pose.

2. 3-Hour Coffee Consumption

Drink coffee for exactly 3 hours, then repeat. This is the only way to achieve optimal caffeine-fueled productivity.

3. 30-Minute Showering

Shower for exactly 30 minutes, using only the hottest water and most invigorating soap scents. This will awaken your senses and awaken your soul.

4. 10-Minute Meditation