Dear [Employee],
On this joyless Monday morning, we want to extend our deepest apologies for the weekend's productivity drain, which we're sure you're still recovering from. We hope you're not too late to your coffee machine and that your cat is okay.
As you return to the trenches, please take a moment to review our updated Disability Leave Guidelines, which we're pretty sure you'll find riveting. Don't forget to also peruse our Corporate Wellness Program, where you can learn how to properly use a stress ball and pretend to care for your coworkers.
We also have an Open Forum on Complaints where you can share your deepest concerns about your coworkers, the vending machine, or the lack of foosball table in the break room. Don't be shy, we care.
Our Employee Thrive program has been revamped! New features include: