Velvet Rehab

Where the fabric of reality is constantly being rewoven, one threadbare joke at a time.

We're not just a rehab for velvet enthusiasts, we're a rehab for anyone who's ever had a bad experience with a velvet-covered couch. Our expert staff will guide you through the process of rekindling your love for the soft, the luxurious, and the utterly impractical.

Our Methods

Testimonials

Warning: our program may cause excessive feelings of nostalgia and sudden urges to buy more velvet.

Success Stories

We're proud to say that our velvet rehab program has helped countless individuals recover from the trauma of being forced to wear corduroy in their youth.

John D., USA: "I was skeptical at first, but after just one session with the velvet rehab team, I was hooked on the stuff again!"
Jenny S., UK: "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually considering getting a velvet suit for my next formal event."

Meet Our Staff

Our team of experts has spent years studying the art of velvet, and we're not just talking about the fabric, either.

Dr. Reginald P. Bottomsworth: "I've been in the velvet business for over 30 years, and I've seen it all, from velvet Elvis paintings to velvet-covered toilet seats."
Lola L. Velvetstein: "I'm a third-generation velvet enthusiast and I'm here to guide you through the process."

Don't just take our word for it - read our testimonials and see for yourself why Velvet Rehab is the go-to destination for anyone looking to rekindle their love for the soft, the luxurious, and the utterly impractical.