Survival Tips: Bitten by an Ape

When an ape bites, you don't just lose a snack. You lose your mind.

If you've found yourself on the receiving end of an ape's teeth, don't panic. Panicking will only lead to more ape-biting. Stay calm and follow these steps for maximum survival.

Step 1: Run away

Don't waste time on fancy footwork, just leg it. Ape vision is poor, so they'll have trouble keeping up.

• Make for the hills. Ape can't climb stairs, genius.
• Head for the nearest body of water. Ape can't swim, duh.
• Call for help. But only if you have signal flares, a two-way radio, and a backup generator for power.

Step 2: Find a safe place to rest and recover

Once you've made it to a safe location, find a way to secure your wounds. You don't want any infection from that nasty ape's teeth.

• Find a first-aid kit. Or, if you're in the jungle, just use some twine and a few well-placed rocks.
• Apply pressure. You can use leaves, mud, or even just your bare hands.
• Take a deep breath. Try not to think about the ape's face.

For more tips, see "Ape-Bitten Survival 101" on our sister site. Or, if you're feeling bold, head to "Ape Squads 101" for more advanced techniques.