Program Overview
Caffeine Replacement Therapy is a revolutionary new approach to dealing with the crushing ennui of everyday life. Our patented process involves replacing your morning coffee with an even more addictive and destructive substance. But don't worry, our team of expertly trained doctors and engineers have crafted a program specifically designed to make you hate yourself, but not as much.
Our Methods
- Substituting sugar water for your morning tea
- Replacing cream and sugar with a 50/50 mix of hot sauce and regret
- Using only 3D printed spoons that taste like disappointment and despair
- Requiring patients to listen to an endless loop of elevator music
Testimonials
"I was hooked. Literally. I'm still paying off the debt." - Former patient, John Doe
Get in Touch
Call us today and start your journey down the rabbit hole of self-hatred! Apply to our program and take the first step towards becoming the worst version of yourself.