MANDATES FOR THE WEEK

Wednesday's Mandates for the week of "I'm Not Getting Anything Done"

Don't forget to water your plants. Again.
If you see a squirrel, don't try to make friends with it. They are not as friendly as they seem.
Take a 3-hour lunch break to contemplate the meaninglessness of existence.
Wear a name tag to work. We're watching you.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, use the office coffee machine during peak hours. It's like a hostage situation.
Use the stairs. The elevator is a social experiment gone wrong.
Learn to make a proper "Wednesday" face: a mix of disdain and mild disappointment.
Do not, under any circumstances, eat the leftover pizza from the break room fridge. Trust us on this one.