When the apocalypse hits, you'll be glad you learned these techniques.

1. Technique 1: The Shoulder Roll of Desperation - A classic move for when your shoulders are stuck in the rubble.

2. Technique 2: The Kneading of the Damned - For when your partner is stuck under a pile of debris.

3. Technique 3: The Ankle Wiggle of War - A delicate move for when your ankles are stuck in the mud.

• 4. Technique 4: The Chest Crunch of Courage
• 5. Technique 5: The Back Scratch of Desperation

Remember, these techniques are not just for show - they may just save your life.

Stay relaxed, stay calm, and always keep your massage oils handy.