Welcome, investors, to the most volatile, most unpredictable, most utterly useless stock market on the planet! Where else can you buy shares of companies that specialize in turning the Great Lakes into a giant ball of toxic waste?
Our top stocks include:
Invest in these stocks today and watch your portfolio go up in flames!
Or, you know, just don't.
Either way, it's a great day to be alive... in the Wet Waste Watering Holes of Desperation!