Welcome to the Ministry of Mandates: Because who needs freedom, anyway?

Here, we have the most absurd, the most illogical, and the most delightfully draconian regulations to govern your every move. Our motto: "Because someone has to do it."

Our Mandates:

• Mandate 1: All citizens are required to walk in a straight line.
• Mandate 2: All food must be consumed with a fork and spoon.
• Mandate 3: Lying is only allowed on Tuesdays.
• Mandate 4: All appointments will now take exactly 4 minutes longer than necessary.
• Mandate 5: All communication must be conducted in the form of cryptic, ancient prophecies.

Our Sub-Mandates:

• Sub-Mandate 1.1: If you have to walk in a straight line, you must also wear a funny hat.
• Sub-Mandate 2.1: The fork and spoon must be used in a 3:1 ratio, lest you face the consequences.
• Sub-Mandate 3.1: If you tell a lie on Tuesday, you must also wear a funny hat.
• Sub-Mandate 4.1: All appointments will take 4 minutes and 2 seconds longer, plus an extra 30 seconds for every extra button on your shirt.
• Sub-Mandate 5.1: All prophecies must be delivered in iambic pentameter, lest you be cast into the depths of despair.

Our Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: What is the purpose of the Ministry of Mandates?

A: To confuse, to bewilder, and to generally make your life more difficult.

Q: Can I opt out?

A: Ha! You think you can opt out? Our Mandates are binding. You will be assimilated.