It has come to our attention that the advanced water purification system has malfunctioned. Repeat: IT HAS MALFUNCTIONED.
As a result, the water coming out of the faucets has been found to contain a 50% chance of spontaneous combustion. We are working on it.
In the meantime, please refrain from drinking from the faucet. Or, at the very least, do not drink from the faucet. Seriously, do not do that.
For further updates, visit our Emergency Procedures page, or our Water Bottle Store for all your purified water needs.
Stay hydrated, stay safe, and stay informed.
We've received reports that the icebox has been compromised. Repeat: THE ICEBOX HAS BEEN COMPROMISED. We are working on it.
As an added precaution, please do not, I repeat, DO NOT drink from the icebox. It's not just the water, it's also the freezer burn.
For the love of all that is holy, just stick to the bottled water.