Background Check Rebuttal

Dear Sir or Madam, I am writing to express my deepest regret for the utterly unnecessary paperwork you've been forced to fill out.

As a quantum physicist, I'm pretty sure I can prove that your background check is nothing more than a probabilistic mess of uncertainty.

Here's a breakdown of the probabilities:

Don't bother trying to dispute this, we've already flagged you as a "high-risk" individual.