Zero Tolerance Protocol: A Guide to Not Getting Kicked Out
**WARNING:** If you're reading this, you're probably already on the wrong side of the law. Don't say we didn't warn you.
Section 1: Our Community Standards (a.k.a. The Rules)
- Do not use the phrase "I'm just here for the free Wi-Fi" in any conversation.
- Do not touch our art supplies. You'll just end up with glue on your fingers.
- No, you cannot have a meeting in the break room. We have meetings. You have a cubicle.
- Do not, I repeat, DO NOT use the coffee machine after 3 PM.
What to Expect When We Escalate
Section 2: Consequences (a.k.a. The Fun Part)
- Tolerable offense: You'll receive a sternly worded email.
- Offense of medium severity: You'll be forced to attend a "Community Values" workshop, featuring an expert on the subject.
- Severe offense: Our security team will have a word with you. In a non-negotiable meeting. With a whiteboard.
- Extreme offense: We'll call the authorities. And our lawyer. And possibly the authorities again.
Don't make us do it.
Meet the Friendly Faces Behind Our Security Team